


Even When I See You

by othisredding



Category: GOT7
Genre: Canon Compliant, First Time, Fluff and Smut, Hotels, M/M, Porn with Feelings, Youngjae Giggling A Lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-16
Updated: 2016-09-16
Packaged: 2018-08-15 07:39:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8048011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/othisredding/pseuds/othisredding
Summary: Jaebum comes back after his injury and Youngjae wonders if they can pick up where they left off.





	Even When I See You

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by Anonymous in the [Youngjae_fic_fest](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/Youngjae_fic_fest) collection. 



> based on the prompt "youngjae being assured he's beautiful and loved"
> 
> I haven't written fic in forever, especially not smut, but I really hope you all like it. Also, this is loosely based on that first concert when Jaebum came back and for a day or two Youngjae seemed a little awkward/unsure with him (in my opinion). But I promise there's no real angst! :)
> 
> Title is from the english translation of "Something Good."

Youngjae spends most of Jaebum’s absence thinking about what the first concert with him back will be like. He usually pictures himself elated with joy, their performance electric and finally devoid of that nagging absence, their ahgases cheering along with them even louder than they usually do. He thinks about Jaebum’s shy smile, the one he does when he’s feeling sentimental and is trying not to show it too much. So when it actually happens, when Jaebum is actually there next to him once more, it’s almost like a dream.

The fans are indeed loud, screaming for their leader, and Youngjae feels that deeply, feels the same – _his_ _leader_ – and the concert is buzzing with even more energy than he could have imagined.

What’s missing is his own bliss. What’s unexpected is the cold pit of nervousness in his own stomach, the tension in his shoulders. What actually happens is he can’t stop glancing over to Jaebum; yet, when Jaebum looks back, Youngjae can’t quite seem to meet his eyes. He knows somewhere in him that logically, he’s happy, ecstatic actually, but he can’t quite feel it the way he thought he would. And since he can’t quite pinpoint why, he spends most of the concert on edge and trying too hard to appear natural. Maybe it’s nothing – maybe he’s overthinking everything, maybe it just feels so natural to have Jaebum there that the show has gone on as it always must do.

But also maybe it’s just everything that’s happened over the last few weeks still hanging so palpably in the air. He’s still worried about how much Jaebum’s healed, after all. Is he in any pain and just covering it? Is it okay for him to dance with them, to stand this long, to sit this long? Maybe he’s not in pain now but will he be later when he feels the after effects of all this physical exertion?

On top of that, Youngjae can’t stop wondering how things will be with _them_ since Jaebum’s injury isn’t the only new development that’s happened recently. It’s this that he tries hardest to push from his mind because he knows it’s selfish and childish probably, craving Jaebum as if he’s the only one who missed him, wanting to get him alone and just hold him when he knows Jaebum should be free to celebrate his time back with the others. Out of everything that’s happened, it’s frustrating that he still can’t stop thinking of the times just before everything went to shit -

***

\- Can’t stop thinking of the morning they’d been alone in the kitchen, everyone off at schedules, sleeping, or otherwise occupied in their rooms. They’d just been playing around, Youngjae reading off the back of the cereal box in a ridiculous voice, trying to make Jaebum feel better because he’d seemed a little down for some reason -

(Some reason which Youngjae now attributes to his back...God, why hadn’t he noticed? Why hadn’t Jaebum told him? And around and around his questions go.)

\- Jaebum hadn’t been able to stop from laughing and kept flicking water at him from where he was washing the dishes and in the midst of his silliness, Youngjae got right up close to him, hand gripping Jaebum’s arm, giggled close to his face...and he doesn’t know what he’d been about to say or do but he knows that Jaebum’s arm sliding around his waist inexplicably made him stop, stilled him so suddenly it was almost just as funny as everything else. The positioning was innocent. Jaebum often held him like this: one arm around his waist when they were walking into practice, one arm around his waist when Jaebum would lean over and say hello to his niece and nephew on Facetime, one arm around his waist when Youngjae was hogging the mirror in the bathroom...

But this was one arm around his waist in the kitchen in the tender domesticity of the midmorning, Jaebum’s hands not even properly wiped off from the dishes, Youngjae in an oversized tshirt and soft pants as he hadn’t left the house, hadn’t even showered yet that day, Jaebum’s hair a mess...

This was different because Jaebum was looking at Youngjae in a way like he was seeing him but also not, his eyes had gone from Youngjae’s hair to his eyes to his mouth to the open collar of his tshirt to the hand Youngjae had hovering over his chest. Youngjae felt like they’d abruptly taken an exit and ended up on a completely different highway he wasn’t so familiar with. And all Jaebum said was, “You’re so sweet,” hesitated for a moment while Youngjae tried and failed to think of a response, then pressed his face into the space between Youngjae’s jaw and his shoulder.

Youngjae remembers feeling Jaebum’s lips on his neck, just _there_ , just breathing, remembers Jaebum’s strong hands pulling him just a fraction closer, remembers his own hands awkwardly patting at Jaebum’s chest through his soft hoodie. He’d been caught off guard and interrupted in the middle of acting like a complete fool and the atmosphere had shifted so suddenly and Jaebum’s voice had been so....

He didn’t get the chance to say anything, his mind so caught up in trying to understand what was even happening that before he knew it, Jaebum had pulled away. He toweled off his hands and informed Youngjae that he wanted to give his mom a call before they headed out to practice in a bit and Youngjae had been left standing in the kitchen feeling hot and confused and like he wanted to laugh but didn’t want to disturb the quiet.

That hadn’t even been the end of it, not by far.

That night, he’d stayed up gaming knowing Jaebum wouldn’t be back until late as he was working on learning some producing. He acted like it was just a coincidence that he was still awake when Jaebum came in and promptly took his chance to curl up next to Jaebum on the couch. Jaebum smelled dimly of cigarette smoke from being around the producer hyungs, his body was warm, his chuckle low and embarrassingly suspicious when Youngjae pressed against his side. But Youngjae didn’t care how obvious he was being.

The moment in the kitchen had triggered a craving in him sharper than he knew what to deal with, and all he wanted was to feel that hand on his back again or maybe on his shoulder, his neck (or anywhere if he was honest). He’d been sort of surprised and a little selfconscious about his own eagerness but the subsequent nervousness hadn’t stopped him from burrowing his face into the warmth of Jaebum’s shoulder. It hadn’t stopped him from nosing against Jaebum’s neck the same way Jaebum had earlier, his heart beating faster just by Jaebum’s scent and then even faster when Jaebum turned the television on but left the volume low.

His need to be close with Jaebum was familiar in most ways except in intensity; they’d cuddled like this before but never had Youngjae set out to see how far he could push, his excitement on what Jaebum’s behavior earlier could mean overriding any fear about the consequences of the moment.

He didn’t anticipate Jaebum so readily offering Youngjae his lips in response. First, a small press like a reward on his forehead just above his eyebrow, then on his cheek, and finally, amazingly, on his lips. They’d kissed for only a short time that night, five minutes at most, tentative, brief slides of Jaebum’s mouth against his, a barely-there brush of his tongue, Jaebum’s warm hands on Youngjae’s thigh, not moving anywhere but squeezing in a way that made Youngjae feel both too small and like he was going to burst out of his skin.

A short exhilirating time that night that carried over twice after: 

once when Jaebum had cornered Youngjae in the bathroom before bed, dragging his hand against Youngjae’s stomach and sucking wet and soft on the spot just behind his ear and shushing Youngjae when he hadn’t been able to stop whimpering – the others weren’t even sleeping, the door wasn’t that thick, he had to be quiet 

and the other time early in the morning when Jackson hadn’t yet returned from China so Youngjae snuck into Jaebum’s room and climbed in bed with him. They’d kissed more, lazy and tired (Jaebum had teased Youngjae in between each press of their lips, “So is this the only thing that will get you up before 8 am voluntarily?”) and Jaebum had complained about not being able to get comfortable, thought he’d maybe pulled a muscle somehow, and Youngjae had rubbed at it for him, soft and naïve, not even thinking about Jaebum’s health, just wanting to touch him, just wanting to be close a little longer in that haze of the morning before anyone else was up, never wanting to leave whatever dream universe they’d somehow slipped in

...and slipped right back out of too barely a few hours later when Jaebum was calling their manager and a few hours after that he was in the hospital and a few hours after that it was confirmed he wouldn’t be attending the concert, their first concert, their dream.

***

And really, compared to that afternoon, Youngjae should be thankful, he should have nothing to worry about, he should be thinking only of celebrating Jaebum’s return and he _is_ all of those things but he can’t help but still want to touch him, want to be close to him... He wants to get back to where they’d been, though he isn’t sure if they’re even there anymore and that uncertainty coupled with his nervousness that Jaebum was back too soon was complicating what he just wants to be a moment of pure relief.

So the whole night Youngjae can’t relax. He laughs with everyone and dances his heart out and his smile is genuine, so genuine, but he feels a little disoriented still, like he’s still got one foot in the dream and one in reality and he’s not sure which way to go.

-

He tries to head in the direction of reality. He tells himself to put aside the kisses, the hands around his waist, the dark dark comfort of Jaebum’s eyes, because this isn’t about whatever they were doing weeks ago. Besides, they’d talked some in between and Jaebum hadn’t brought it up so Youngjae figures he shouldn’t make a big deal about it either. Jaebum has bigger things to worry about. Even now that he’s back, he should be thinking about resting and acclimating to performing again and taking care of himself and Youngjae should try to focus on that too.

...though of course his immediate thought, as he fixes his collar backstage and watches Jaebum do the same on the other side of their dressing room, is _that will be difficult_. No one’s ever touched him quite like that before in the first place (he doesn’t count the awkward kiss he shared with the girl who lived next door when he was 14, they’d both laughed about it and agreed to just be friends anyway) and besides, this was  _Jaebum_. It had been hard not to entertain the little crush he’d had since before debut, one that he’d thought he finally had control of, one that he’d always written off as just a little bit of idol worship, a little bit of brotherly comfort-seeking, a little bit of just the impact of Im Jaebum with his smile and his shoulders who  _wouldn_ _’_ _t_ be crushing a little...but nothing serious and definitely not anything that would ever come to fruition.

He’d spent a healthy amount of time thinking about it then when it was just a hypothetical scenario that he could entertain late at night with Jaebum’s arms wrapped around him. Now that he’s actually experienced the reality, the memories sometimes feel like they’re the only thing taking up space in his mind...

...but he has to Focus. Be Mature. He has to think of Jaebum and the team first. It doesn’t need to be a big deal, doesn’t need to become a Thing, a distraction...

Back at the hotel after the concert, Youngjae takes a hot shower and afterwards is finally feeling some resolve. He looks at himself in the mirror, touches the apples of his cheeks, and flexes a bit to see if he’s grown some muscle (he hasn’t). He throws on a shirt and whispers to himself, “Just relax,” in English and almost giggles a little because it reminds him of Jackson. He heads out to the main room to tell Jackson just that, since both Jackson and Bambam had been lazing around with Jaebum while Youngjae was washing up, talking about what food to get in the morning –

But he doesn’t find Jackson. Or Bambam. All that’s left is Jaebum, sitting on the bed, staring at the television, licking the salt from the chips he’s just finished off his fingers.

It’s fine.

 _It_ _’_ _s fine._

Youngjae doesn’t even miss a beat. He can be calm. It’s just Jaebum. 

He heads over to his suitcase and rifles through it, though by the time he moves a few clothes around he’s forgotten what he was looking for. He can feel Jaebum’s gaze on him but tells himself he’s probably just being paranoid and he should just take a deep breath –

And he does, though he’s louder about it than he means to be and that for sure draws Jaebum’s attention.

“Everything okay?” Jaebum’s tone is soft and a little amused. That alone already smooths out the prickly edges in Youngjae’s demeanor, he’s still nervous and thinking too fast, but Jaebum’s voice has always been comforting and it makes him breathe easier instantly. Funny considering Jaebum’s the reason his hands can’t seem to figure out what to do.

Determined, Youngjae relaxes his features and turns, shrugs noncomittally. It would be a lie to say everything was okay and Youngjae he simply can’t lie to Jaebum, but he also feels like he shouldn’t say what he’s thinking lest it throw things too far off balance. He wishes he could be casual, unaffected, but he just isn’t and he can already feel it welling up at the back of his throat, the urge to ask Jaebum what the hell he wants Youngjae to do with the yearning for Jaebum’s touch he’s had permanently fixed in his gut ever since Jaebum held him in the kitchen and just _looked_ Jaebum turns off the television and turns a little in Youngjae’s direction. He always gives Youngjae his full attention. Even if it increases his heart rate right now, that’s something Youngjae’s always loved about Jaebum.

“Where’d they go?” Youngjae asks, trying to stall, trying not to be so messy as to just fling it out in the open how completely he’s failed at dealing with the past few weeks without Jaebum. He tries to be brave and goes to sit on the edge of the bed across from Jaebum since that’s what he’d probably do in normal circumstances. “Isn’t Bammie supposed to sleep here tonight?”

“We switched,” Jaebum says. Gentle. Careful. Like he doesn’t want to scare Youngjae off.

Which...Youngjae figures is fair considering how much he’s fidgeting around. But he wants to be an adult about this. He looks Jaebum in his eyes but can’t quite manage it when Jaebum says, clear and strong,

“Come here.”

“What?” But Youngjae heard him. It’s just he’s not quite processing.

Jaebum just holds his hand out for him like a question. No pressure.

Youngjae doesn’t know what he’s doing when he takes it and feels the warm metal of Jaebum’s rings press against his own fingers...but he trusts it, trusts Jaebum so much no matter how flustered he feels. Jaebum pulls him forward until Youngjae is standing in front of where he’s still sitting on the bed. Jaebum takes a moment and just looks up at Youngjae, eyes roving Youngjae’s face like he’s trying to figure something out.

“I missed you,” he says finally. He presses his forehead against Youngjae’s belly and whatever he says after that is muffled, not that Youngjae can think enough to decipher human language anyway. Jaebum is still holding his hand, takes the other too, and they just pause like that for a minute, Jaebum with his head leaning on Youngjae and Youngjae trying not to breathe too loud, teetering so close on the edge of the dream universe again that he can feel it pulling at the muscles in his shoulders and the corners of his mouth.

“I missed you too,” he says finally and it makes Jaebum sit up. He’s smiling and he’s nervous too, Youngjae can tell. He doesn’t see that look on Jaebum’s face often but he can tell by the way his eyes can’t focus on one thing on Youngjae’s face, his mouth tightly closed, jaw working, fingers squeezing Youngjae’s fingers between his intermittently like he thinks he should let go but doesn’t want to.

Youngjae doesn’t want him to either so he laces their fingers together and leans down, hesitates, “Do you still–“ and Jaebum pulls him the rest of the way before he can question it any further, kisses him firm and wet and Youngjae has to break away earlier than he wants to to stop himself from climbing into Jaebum’s lap, to get some air, to look at Jaebum’s face and touch his hair just to make sure he’s not imagining things (again). He doesn’t know what’s harder to grasp – that Jaebum is here or that they’re doing this again.

“Are you okay?” Jaebum asks, eyes still closed, hands pulling from Youngjae’s grip to hold onto his waist instead, pull him even closer until he’s standing right between Jaebum’s legs. Youngjae laughs for no reason at all and for every reason.

“I’m happy,” he blurts and feels immediate embarrassment seep in from such a bald confession. His voice falters some, “I was worried but...”

I was worried but you’re here now I was worried but now I’m distracted so it’s fine I was worried but we can’t do this secretly for much longer and I don’t know how it will affect the team I was worried but who cares just kiss me

He doesn’t know what to even say, so he just settles for, “it doesn’t matter,” because it doesn’t (probably), then leans down again and kisses Jaebum’s lips, the crown of his head, tugs on his ear a little and makes him smile, a real, bright one, teeth flashing just for Youngjae and Youngjae feels his eyes crinkle as he smiles back.

“I was worried too, you know,” Jaebum says, hands wandering to Youngjae’s front at his hem and pushing up, gathering the fabric until it’s just above Youngjae’s ribcage and Youngjae would ask why but he’s back to not thinking when Jaebum leans forward and kisses his sternum, once, then again a little lower, and again a little lower. “About me, but about you too, that you’d change your mind.” He hooks his fingers in the waistband of Youngjae’s boxers, doesn’t do anything with them, but just the press of his knuckles against Youngjae’s lower belly is overwhelming enough that Youngjae’s heart feels like it’s dropped and he actually gasps, has the sudden feeling of not knowing what he’s gotten himself into. He didn’t even think how undressed he was before because of course they’ve all seen most everything by now so it’s not like he bothered to put on real pajamas when he finished his shower. But now with Jaebum’s soft fingers grazing the fine trail of hair on his lower stomach Youngjae realizes how few clothing items separate him from nakedness as he stands there. Meanwhile, Jaebum’s presence is so strong it feels like it’s taking up all the space in the room and they haven’t even done anything really.

“I didn’t,” Youngjae says and settles his hands falteringly in Jaebum’s hair, “I won’t change my mind.” He’s thought about this in particular a lot, imagined himself confidently, sexily holding Jaebum’s head against him, letting the strands slip through his fingers. With the real thing in front of him he finds himself shy, wants to press his hands to his face and hide, nearly wants to give Jaebum a friendly punch on the shoulder and pretend this whole thing’s a joke. They have kissed plenty by now but it still feels like any moment Jaebum will come to his senses and realize this is _Youngjae_ , the same Youngjae who used to follow him around like a puppy.

He lets out a surprised yelp when Jaebum pokes him in the belly button, and instinctually moves to back away but Jaebum doesn’t let him get far, pulls Youngjae back by his hips and laughs a bit himself – “I won’t either. So let’s not worry, okay?”

Youngjae knows he’s blushing. “I’m just...” He wants to say okay, that he won’t worry, wants to be good for Jaebum in that way, but he can’t help the doubt seeping in as he stands before his leader, barefoot and vulnerable. They’d started this whole thing - the kisses, the touching, these private secret moments - so boldly, almost easily, as if it was inevitable and therefore not worth questioning. But Youngjae’s been questioning if it’s the best idea in Jaebum’s absence, not because he doesn’t believe in this but because it’s  _too_ easy, too much about his own pleasure and desire and therefore selfish, even silly.

“You’re just what?” Jaebum presses and eases his hands away from Youngjae’s boxers and up to his sides instead, gives Youngjae just that much space to say what he needs.

“I’m not worried...not about this. But. Before you went to the hospital, you said you were hurting and I didn’t pay attention,” Youngjae takes a heaving sigh, knows it sounds stupid even as he pushes the words out. “I know it’s not about me but, I...I missed those signs because I was too focused on getting what I wanted. I just don’t want to make a mistake like that--” He falters, unsure where to go from there and feeling like he’s explaining himself all wrong. Jaebum just nods, runs his thumb along Youngjae’s side. “And even now, you’re comforting me when I should be taking care of you.”

“We can’t take care of each other?” Jaebum asks, his voice breaking through the spiral of guilt Youngjae can feel himself falling down. He has no answer for that. Jaebum ‘hmms’ to himself though, because no answer is an answer Youngjae supposes, and pulls Youngjae close again, brings him down for a kiss. “I’ve had about enough of being cared for at the moment.” That gets a hesitant smile from Youngjae and Jaebum cups his chin and tilts it up so he can see more of it. “The best thing you can do for me right now, Youngjae, is let me take care of you, okay?” Youngjae nods and finally meets Jaebum’s eyes again. “None of this is your fault, especially when you were the one making me happy right before everything. Okay?” Youngjae nods again, feeling his cheeks grow hot with satisfaction at that. Jaebum gives him another chaste kiss before letting his hands drop to Youngjae’s shoulders, then to his hips where he squeezes gently. It’s an odd sensation, heated in this context but something so familiar that Jaebum has always done when comforting Youngjae. “I know we didn’t talk much before –“

“It’s okay,” Youngjae says, trying to hurry and make it better in spite of the fact that for the past few weeks he’d wished so much for the chance to talk to Jaebum about things, clarify what the hell it was that they were doing. He leans down again to capture Jaebum’s lips and Jaebum gives it to him but not for long. Youngjae has to resist actually stomping his foot.

“No, we should have,” Jaebum insists. “I...was being careless and I don’t want to be careless with you.”

Youngjae can’t help but smile wide at that. He knows they’re being serious but Jaebum never really lays things out like that. Jaebum gives a playful pinch on his side to make him jolt. “Yah, Choi Youngjae, I forbid you to laugh. You had your moment I want mine too.”

“I know I know,” Youngjae lets himself laugh out loud, the knot that’s been in his stomach all day almost completely dissipated now that they're pretty much back at their usual rhythm. He catches Jaebum’s hand before it can dig into his side again, “I’m listening I promise, Mr. Jaebum,please continue.”

Jaebum’s jaw clenches but he’s still smiling and lets Youngjae get away with it just like he always does. “I’m just saying...I don’t...know what this can be, you and me –“

“It doesn’t have to be anything”

“Do you want it not to be anything?”

Youngjae feels his cheeks burning but forces himself to stay honest the same way Jaebum is with him, now and always, “No, I...I want it to be something...whatever that can be.”

“Ah...” Jaebum says and he reaches to lift Youngjae’s chin just a little, “Something?” he repeats, in English, his eyes squinting with a slow smile.

Youngjae doesn’t smile, not yet. “Did you think about this before?” he asks, because if they’re going to talk then he might as well know everything, “You know...before this? Before we kissed?”

“I did.”

Youngjae nods, processing that, and wants to ask when and how long and how much but isn’t sure he wants to bare his whole self and how much _he_ had thought of it.

“I did,” Jaebum repeats, pressing his hand to Youngjae’s chest, “I tried not to because...as the leader...I’m meant to keep things together...“

“But things are together,” Youngjae says, and holds Jaebum’s hands in his, kisses his knuckles in turn, “See?” Jaebum smiles in spite of himself, ducks his head and Youngjae loves when he can make him smile like that.

“Before,” Jaebum licks his lips, “Before it would have been too much. I thought I just wanted to take care of you like an older brother or maybe that I was just, you know, lonely and used to having you beside me at night... But you kept growing up...and you take care of yourself so well and the team too...even once we didn’t sleep in the same bed I still wanted to and...Ah! Stop looking at me like that!”

Youngjae lets out the peel of laughter he’s been holding in but he’s not laughing at Jaebum, it’s just he’s happy or baffled maybe, feels like he’s watching a movie of his life rather than living it. It’s like the realization of Jaebum being back is just now hitting him and he feels absolutely ridiculous for holding onto his fears for so long. The thought of Jaebum wanting him in the same way he wanted Jaebum is unthinkable to the point of being ridiculous. He wouldn’t believe it if he wasn’t so desperate himself to have this. He takes Jaebum’s arms and pushes them further around his waist so that they’re pressed tight, wants to feel Jaebum’s strength around him. “Im Jaebum, you’re saying you wanted me back in your bed?”

Jaebum rolls his eyes, “Fine, I did. I have since I’ve been home too.”

“Really?”

“Really...you...” Jaebum’s smile grows until he’s beaming, has to knock his forehead against Youngjae’s belly to hide the pink tint on his cheeks, “You get bored with all that free time. I thought about a lot of things and a lot of them were you.”

Youngae brings his hands to cover his face and laughs heartily, Jaebum’s head bouncing a little with the rise and fall of his stomach.

“Can we try something?” Jaebum asks once Youngjae’s come back to Earth.

“Try what?”

Jaebum runs his hands up Youngjae’s arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake and Youngjae lets his arms drape over Jaebum’s shoulders. He forces himself not to jump when Jaebum lets his hands fall to the small of Youngjae’s back and then to his ass over his boxers, squeezing just slightly. Inexplicably, the first thing that comes to mind for Youngjae is his mother – what would she think of him letting someone touch him there like that – and it makes him want to ask for it even more.

“I just want...” Then Jaebum’s kissing his stomach, light feathering kisses that make Youngjae gasp and twitch because it tickles and because he’s getting turned on and doesn’t know what to do with himself anymore. He’s aware he and Jaebum have kissed and even made out before but they’ve never quite been intimate like this with a whole night stretched ahead of them, a whole room sectioning them off from everyone else, all their bullshit doubts out in the open and mostly struck down. Youngjae feels like Jaebum’s a particularly good secret he gets to keep even if just for a while.

The question is what does Jaebum want, although does it matter what Jaebum wants, he’d give him anything –

“Youngjae, lie down”

– and just like that, Youngjae’s climbing onto the bed obediently, thankful for Jaebum always taking the lead. Jaebum gingerly climbs after him on his side. Youngjae reaches for him, wanting to help.

“I’m okay,” Jaebum says and smiles genuinely, his teeth biting at his lip, “I just need to get more comfortable. Turn this way,” and he encourages Youngjae to roll to face him and they maneuver some so that Jaebum is on his side too with a pillow tucked up underneath him for support. Youngjae threads his fingers in Jaebum’s hair again and they lie like that for a while just kissing. Youngjae’s just getting absolutely lost when he remembers what Jaebum had said just a minute ago.

“This is what you wanted to try?”

“No, you distracted me,” Jaebum scolds and he’s completely joking but Youngjae feels the hint of a shiver in his spine at the tone of Jaebum’s voice. “Scoot up the bed a little.”

Youngjae does as he’s told with Jaebum’s guidance until they’re staggered on the bed, Jaebum eye level with his belly button again. Jaebum’s hooks his arm over Youngjae’s waist and noses at the fine hairs on his stomach and down down down to his waistband.

Youngjae’s not even thinking when he gasps, “Jaebum, I’m –“

“Too much?” Jaebum asks, his leader voice coming to the forefront again. “Is this okay?”

Youngjae nearly tries to squeeze his knees together before he realizes he can’t with Jaebum’s shoulders in the way between his thighs. “It’s good, I’m....I’m good, what are you going to do?”

Jaebum laughs and presses his forehead against Youngjae’s belly, reaches under his knee, runs it up his thigh, then up to his ass again where he gives a little squeeze before he murmurs, “I really want to...” Jaebum’s arms around his middle tighten as he pulls himself a little closer, “I’ve been wanting to try using my mouth on you,” he says, the words seeming carefully chosen, hesitant...and honestly Youngjae already thinks he might come, just from Jaebum holding him like that, just from the idea of Jaebum using anything of his on him.

“Okay,” Youngjae answers, feeling like he’s agreeing to something he’s not quite ready for, like the feeling of going uphill on a rollercoaster and quite nearly wanting to get off. “Do you...have you ever? Before?”

Jaebum rubs his cheek soft against Youngjae’s belly as he answers, careful, “No not quite, but. It’s been done to me and...I looked up some things.”

“Looked up some things?” Youngjae can’t help the incredulousness in his voice, he can’t believe Jaebum’s done research but at the same time of course Jaebum has.

“Tips,” Jaebum clarifies and blushes deeper, “Or...methods, I guess, to do it well and,” He braces himself and meets Youngjae’s eyes again finally, “I’ve just been thinking about wanting to do that for you, make you feel that good...”

“I…Oh my god,” Youngjae manages to get out, already so flustered by Jaebum’s words.

“Can I?” Jaebum asks again. “We don’t have to just yet, I just…”

“Okay okay, yes, do it,” Youngjae says, his fingers instinctively tightening in Jaebum’s hair at the thought of what they’re about to do, what Jaebum’s about to do _to_ him “Okay. Just relax,” Jaebum says, amused fondness in his voice, and Youngjae would laugh at the irony but he can’t quite make any noise but a soft sort of pant as he feels the tips of Jaebum’s fingers tugging at his waistband. Jaebum wiggles them down just enough to get Youngjae’s dick out and in his hand and Youngjae has the fleeting thought that no one’s ever seen his dick hard and he wants Jaebum to like it so much, to like him so so much. Everything is going so fast yet so slow and Jaebum is laughing again for some reason and it’s like some fever dream where he’s wildly turned on and a little bit self conscious about his soft belly. At the same time it feels surprisingly normal and familiar, like an extension of the way Jaebum’s always cared for him, unflinching, unjudging, and firm. Jaebum hooks Youngjae’s leg over his shoulder and Youngjae tries to not fidget too much and also tries not to moan purely at the thought of how strong Jaebum is in general, is already whimpering the second Jaebum starts rubbing the rough wet pad of his tongue softly over the underside of Youngjae’s dick. He keeps thinking “I’m getting a blowjob, I’m getting a blowjob, I’m getting a blowjob,” and he wants to tell his brain to shut the fuck up but all he can say is “Oh my god,” and his voice doesn’t even sound like his.

Jaebum’s voice sounds calm as ever, but he agrees “I know, you’re so...”

Youngjae grips the short hairs at the base of Jaebum’s neck and curls in a little more, cradling Jaebum’s head against his stomach as Jaebum finally sucks fully at the head of his dick. Youngjae squeezes his eyes shut, lets out a long rattled breath and but manages, “So what?”

Jaebum pulls off and Youngjae can only see part of his face beneath his hair, the small beads of sweat forming at his temples and the wet pout of his lips. Jaebum licks them, searching for a word before settling on, “So sweet.” He exhales and grins just a little, “and cute.” Jaebum lifts his head and kisses Youngjae’s hipbone, runs the tip of his fingers over Youngjaes’s pubic hair, tugs it just barely. Then he dips his head down again to kiss Youngjae’s tip, “I’ve wanted to do this forever.”

“You....” Youngjae tries to breathe, brings his hand down to run over Jaebum’s cheek then back up to his earlobe, realizes his own hands are trembling even more than they usually do. “You have?” He can’t imagine Jaebum wanting him, not because he’s not loveable or anything, but it’s just hard to think of anyone thinking of him as sexy, even in the midst of sex.

Jaebum hums in affirmation, fingers running everywhere over Youngjae, the arm pressed to the bed wrapped around Youngjae’s waist to keep him close and the other restlessly moving from the underside of his thigh to his butt and over his stomach, down to clutch Youngjae’s hand in his. He turns his head and kisses his palm, “You okay?”

“No,” Youngjae whines, because honestly he can’t tell if it’s the mouth on his dick or Jaebum’s unerring gentleness that’s driving him out of his mind. “Keep going, hyung,” but then Youngae changes his mind, pushes Jaebum’s head back some in a moment of sudden panic. “Wait, are you okay? Don’t let me put too much weight on you, is the position good?”

Jaebum laughs a bit but he does shift around some to distribute the weight of Youngjae’s body more evenly. They have to pause for a minute and readjust so Jaebum’s back isn’t twisted awkwardly and adjust the pillow by his hip and then Jaebum pulls him close again and Youngjae knows it’s nonsense but somehow it feels like a treat that he gets to come back, that the momentary lapse hasn’t made Jaebum change his mind at all.

Once they’re back in position, Jaebum lowers his head, this time sucking longer, pulling up and pressing his tongue just under the head. As he moves, he gets less careful with it, less hesitant and more sloppy, little aborted groans coming from the back of his throat and it sounds wet and dirty and Youngjae can hear his own panting and he just can’t believe –

Jaebum pulls off again and Youngjae nearly physically pulls him back except he’s not quite capable of telling his limbs what to do apparently and Jaebum’s already shifted down a little more to kiss the insides of Youngjae’s thighs, nip at them with his teeth.

Youngjae positively yelps at that, an embarrassing squawk erupting from him before he can control himself and it makes Jaebum laugh loudly even though in the next breath he’s shushing Youngjae, gripping his hips and telling him to keep quiet or everyone in the hotel will hear him. Youngjae’s mind has practically escaped him, his body shaking with a mixture of laughter and overall stimulation. He covers his mouth with the tips of his fingers and squeezes his eyes shut –

Just as Jaebum moves his hand back down to squeeze at the insides of Youngjae’s thighs, his palms warm and sure against the soft hair there. He squeezes the muscles there, almost massaging but not quite and it’s nearly ticklish but Youngjae holds himself still, wondrous at how sensitive he is to Jaebum’s touch.

“I love your legs,” says Jaebum before pushing Youngjae’s leg up, out a little wider so he won’t have to bend his back in order to press little kisses from the middle of his thigh up toward his hip bone. “And this,” Jaebum squeezes Youngjae’s ass again, “You know...I never really got what people thought was so special about a butt but...yours is good.” Youngjae gives a breathless giggle, his mind foggy with the knowledge that he’s so so so exposed, that no one’s ever seen him like this, at just the feeling of the skin of Jaebum’s shoulder touching the inside of his knee, the press of the warm metal of Jaebum’s watch against the curve of his bottom, trying to hear and somehow memorize Jaebum’s words so he can return to them later – “Really good,” Jaebum continues, finally moving his hand back to where Youngjae wants it, warm and tight on his dick, stroking him, “Like when you wear those gray shorts around the dorm,” Youngjae barks out a surprised laugh at that, bewildered by what he’s hearing. Surely Jaebum can’t mean the old gray shorts that he would always pick at him for even owning, the ones on their last leg with a wide hole on the side of the leg, “I thought a lot about those damn things when I was home too.”

Jaebum’s eyes crinkle mischievously before he laces their fingers together and lowers his head again to lap at Youngjae’s dick, his rhythm steady and slow, deliberate. Youngjae whimpers helplessly and lets the tides of his arousal ebb and flow as he moves his hands up to his own hair, down to Jaebum’s shoulders, then curls himself in more around Jaebum so his hands can reach down to feel the muscles of Jaebum’s back and caress upward until his fingers finally settle on the nape of Jaebum’s neck again. Jaebum’s eyes flick open for a moment and Youngjae tries to focus on him, his jaw, his hairline, his two moles, _his Jaebum_ in the most unbelievable of circumstances, and it’s honestly a miracle that Youngjae even hears what comes out of his mouth.

“Keep doing that,” Jaebum says, “Your hands,” he specifies, and then he goes back to it. Youngjae notices the involuntary way Jaebum groans when he obediently runs his fingers against the short hairs on the back of his neck with more purpose. He watches the way Jaebum’s eyebrows furrow imperceptibly, the way his breathing is ragged when he comes up for air.

“I’m...I...” Youngjae starts and he has too many half formed thoughts at once but never finishes what he was actually saying because there’s a rushing in his ears and it happens so quick and he’s so far gone he doesn’t even realize he’s about to come until it’s already happening. He spurts over Jaebum’s lips and on his cheek and his hand, a complete and utter mess that Youngjae can’t begin to care about yet as he tries his best to regulate his breathing and get feeling back into his extremities. He doesn’t realize his mouth is still hanging open until Jaebum’s fingers make their way to press past his lips and onto his tongue and he can hear Jaebum whispering something, “baby...baby” something and a familiar slickslide of Jaebum’s hand on himself. He can’t quite manage to reach down and help like he wants so he just tightens his fingers at the roots of Jaebum’s hair and presses his head against his belly, feels Jaebum’s breath hot against him until Jaebum’s coming too or what sounds like it from the way his voice suddenly goes tight. He feels Jaebum shudder against him, still for a moment, and he groans himself, low and involuntary just listening to the sound of Jaebum having an orgasm with him.

After a moment of them just lying there and breathing, Jaebum turns on his back and readjusts the pillows underneath him, his hand falling limply to his chest.

“Oh wow, I’m...” But he doesn’t actually finish that thought, just swallows thickly with his eyes closed.

“I know,” Youngjae replies. Then, hesitantly, “Is....that wasn’t too much right? I’m sorry for –“ He lets his eyes drop down to Jaebum’s mouth which Jaebum must have wiped off somewhere in the midst of Youngjae coming down from Mars, only a slight sheen visible now. He can’t quite bring himself to say “jizzing all over your face,” but. Yeah.

“I’m good.” Jaebum says, “It’s...That part was good even if surprising,” Jaebum smiles with his eyes still closed and Youngjae knows he’s sort of being complimented here but he still wants absolutely disappear into the covers in embarrassment all the same. The smile falters on his hyung’s lips though, and he touches his side gingerly, “Maybe not the smartest position though,” he says and Youngjae’s immediately at attention again, helps to readjust the pillows and the blanket so Jaebum can lie down properly again.

“Is everything okay, are you I pain?” He asks, then reaches for the phone. “Should I call someone?”

“Please don’t,” Jaebum rushes, eyes flying open and stopping Youngjae’s hand before he can do anything. “I’m okay, it was just uncomfortable for a moment.”

“Why didn’t you say anything? You should have told me.”

“I wasn’t exactly paying much attention myself, I think I can just feel it more now that I’m thinking straight” Jaebum admits. He reaches over to where Youngjae is looking down at him from his side, concern etched into his round features. “Youngjae, don’t worry about it, it gets like this sometimes and to be honest...it was worth it, okay?”

“Okay...” Youngjae says, still unsure. “But next time we need to be more careful.”

“Yes sir,” Jaebum teases, pinching Youngjae’s cheek. “Next time I’ll just lie here and you do whatever you want, right?”

Youngjae splutters over a response and Jaebum cackles at the flustered look on his face, earning a light smack against his chest.

“I’m serious,” Youngjae insists, whining only a little. He lets out a breath and flops back down next to Jaebum.

“So am I,” Jaebum says, still smiling but watching Youngjae closely and Youngjae’s ears go even redder. He presses his face into the pillows and lets out a muffled scream which makes Jaebum laugh even more but he has sympathy. “Okay okay, I promise I’ll tell you if I feel uncomfortable next time okay?”

Youngjae nods, a sly grin stretching across his features. “I wouldn’t really have known how to explain the circumstances anyway,” he admits.

Jaebum lets out a bark of a laugh. “Well good thing you don’t have to. Now kiss me and stop worrying, it really isn’t bad at all.”

Youngjae does scoot closer and kiss him then, the worry slipping away easier than he wants it to as their lips move together slowly, back to thinking about everything they’ve just done, moments flashing through his mind like an oversaturated slideshow of skin, touches, Jaebum’s mouth around him, Jaebum’s eyes and his voice...

“Hyung...” Youngjae says, but he’s not sure what to say anymore, has too much inside of him all fighting to get out. Jaebum just pulls him back in when he doesn’t finish, his hands coming up to caress the side of Youngjae’s face and his soft black hair as they kiss, sloppy and a little loud in the quiet of the room. When they part, Youngjae can barely open his eyes, he’s so drunk off of Jaebum’s mouth. “Hyung,” he says again, licking his lips and letting his head fall onto the pillow next to Jaebum’s shoulder. What a night. “I’m glad you’re here.”


End file.
